Saying “no” may sound easy in theory, but most of us struggle with setting boundaries. Whether the struggle is from worrying about disappointing others, being perceived as selfish, a fear of damaging the relationship, or feeling pressured to please others, setting a boundary often creates feelings of guilt and unease. However, a lack of boundaries often leads to over-commitment, burnout, stress, and resentment.
Learning to say no is about developing assertiveness skills, which allow you to honour your needs, while still respecting others and maintaining relationships.
What Exactly is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a skill that allows us to express our thoughts, feelings, needs, and boundaries in a clear and respectful manner. It sits in the middle of two extremes:
- Passive communication – prioritizing the needs of others over your own, often allowing others to override your rights and personal limits
- Aggressive communication – prioritizing your needs at the expense of others. This often shows up as being rigid, blaming, and sometimes disrespectful
Assertiveness, instead, allows for balance and creates the understanding of “my needs matter, and so do yours”.
Reframing Guilt
When feelings of guilt come up, bring to mind the following:
- Feelings of guilt doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong
- You are not responsible for managing everyone else’s feelings
- Setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary part of relationships
Practical Ways to Say No
When setting boundaries or saying “no”, try not to over-explain. We all have the right to boundaries, and setting them clearly, with good intention, is often best. Here are a few simple examples:
- “I appreciate you including me, but I can’t commit to that right now”
- “I’m going to pass this time, but thanks for thinking of me”
- “I’d really love to help with that, but I don’t have the capacity right now”
- “I’d love to support with this, but it doesn’t work for me today. Are you open to planning another time?”
How to Build Assertiveness
- Take a pause before responding. This gives you a chance to check in with your needs before automatically agreeing
- Practice saying no in lower-stake situations to build confidence and comfort
- Expect feelings of discomfort or unease. It is typical to feel guilty, uncomfortable, or even notice an internal battle when first leaning into assertiveness. This doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong!
- Use “I” statements such as “I’m not able to take that on” or “I feel…”
- Setting boundaries earlier on is easier than backing out later
If Guilt Shows Up After
If you noticie lingering guilt or find yourself second-guessing, try the following steps:
- Acknowledge the feeling coming up (“I am feeling guilty right now” or “I am feeling worried that I’ve disappointed them”)
- Remind yourself why you said no
- Practice self-compassion rather than self-criticism (“It’s ok that guilt is showing up. Setting boundaries can be hard. I will continue to show up as best I can in this relationship”)
Saying No is Choosing Yourself
There’s a misconception that self-love looks like self-care – bubble baths, time to yourself, or doing something relaxing. And yes, it can be. But self-love is being able to say no when your body is tired, when you’re emotionally drained, when you feel pressured or overwhelmed, when you are doing something out of guilt rather than desire, and when your abandoning your needs in order to be appreciated or accepted.
Final Thoughts
Saying no is not about rejecting someone or their needs, but about respecting yourself. When you communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently, it allows for more connected relationships, reduces feelings of overwhelm, and strengthens your social capacity. This is just the start of setting boundaries. If you find this especially difficult, working with a therapist can help you explore the underlying patterns as to why it is challenging, heal the parts of you that feel the need to put yourself last, and build confidence in stating your needs.
Contact Mindset First Mental Health and Performance Inc. for a free consultation to see how a therapist can help you!